The Secret Me

I’m not here for self pity…I’m just here like everyone else. I have a laptop, and I’m too much of a freak for my friends to know this type of shit. 

My legs resemble the trunks of maple trees and a picture of my stomach comes up when you search “fat ugly walrusus”. I’m sick of everyone expecting me to be the perfect person. Sorry, maybe I just don’t want to share my feelings with YOU. Get the hint? 

My “ED” first surfaced in the summer before I started highschool. I liked this guy, and we were practically dating.  I joined his swim team so we could hang out more. But as I have learned people change either for the better or worse, and with my luck everything changes for the worse. To make the story short, I felt awful in the swimsuit…I couldn’t stand seeing the girl next to me skinny as hell and then seeing my left over fat around my legs, seeping over the lines of the team suit. 

Freshman year came, and that same guy turned into an egotisical son of a bitch. We ended up having an identical schedule, which turned out to be hell. The most distinct memory I have of the first year of highschool is in science; he sat at the lab table in front of mine…whispering to his friends about how “I can’t tell if she turned into a whore and is pregnant or if she’s really that fat”. It made me so self conscious, that I couldn’t even go to school some days…I cried after that class in the bathroom until someone came in and I would have to pull myself together. My grades were dropping, my mom was pushing me (as always) and I had to live up to everyone’s expectations to the nickname “musical genius”. Binging and Purging became an everyday occurence; it gave me that control I needed. I immediately stopped eating lunch at school…and I would binge when I got home around 2:45pm and then go to the bathroom exactly around 3:05pm. I had it down to a simple science…my secret that no one ever knew about. 

So that’s only the beginning…life gets worse so everything in it does too. From what happened this year my mom and I will never be the same. I lost my first love, who I devoted myself to for over a year to. I made terrible mistakes with my best friend. I broke too many hearts because I couldn’t feel mine since it’s already shattered. And now I’m in this circle that’s too deep to climb out of. I need a fresh start, but I don’t deserve one because knowing me I would just screw it up. I know probably that people won’t read this, but this is for me, not you. Follow if your tired of being the one that people expect to be the leader. Follow if you’re tired of expectations.